Guilt

I have guilt.   I have guilt about everything.  I am not kidding.  Everything.   I have guilt that makes me not make choices.  I have guilt that makes me make choices.  I have guilt.   I have guilt about things that are hard.  I have guilt about things that are easy.  I have guilt.  

So, a little while ago i was working… not wait, I was reading my old journal.  As I was reminiscing, I glanced out of the corner of my eye and Rainee was pooping on my floor.  Then she peed.   I was mad.  I sent her outside and then I cleaned it up.  It was gross.  That night while everyone was sleeping, this happened again.  and you guessed it, again the next day.   then there was no trust.  She is not allowed to stay in the house when we leave.  Too bad for her.    She gets to be in the garage.   The pee keeps happening.  Not sure what in the world is wrong. I took her to the vet, they said that there was nothing medically wrong with her, but that she probably needed anxiety meds.    I am sure about one thing, I am not giving my dog anxiety meds.  I would put oils on her all over before I would do anxiety meds.   I left the vet with no answers.   I am scared it will happen again.  I watch her all of the time and I lock her in my room at night.   I do not trust her and don’t think I will ever trust her again.

Everything about having a dog I hate.   I hate the fur all over, I hate having to roll a lint roller on my boys pants before they go to school, I hate the poop, I hate going for walks, I hate dead grass. I hate slobber, I hate throwing a ball forever.  I hate wet noses on my arms and farts at night by my bed. I hate the way she follows me where ever I go.  I hate dogs in the kitchen climbing up on the table to look where there may be a snack.  I hate having to worry if she is going to bug the neighbor with her friendliness.   I hate having to vacuum every minute.  I hate sleeping dogs on my couch and when I get up to go to bed she sneaks off and runs upstairs.   I hate brushing her or paying for a groomer.  I hate the smell of wet dog. 

I really am not a dog person.   I have thought and thought about finding her a new home where there is LOVE, but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.  Lyla loves her dog.  She calls her “her sweet sweet dog”.  Oh, the guilt.  I must not think about how nice it would be to just be rid of the pest pets.   I must think of Lyla.   Rainee knows how to play Frisbee.  She fetches.  She will run forever.  She jumps on the tramp.  She never runs away.  She hardly ever bothers the neighbor.  She is not mean ever.  She is a really good dog.

I have guilt about so many things.  It is terrible.  I have guilt about picture books, spending time with my kids, eating better, exercising, spending time with Eric, work, screen time for the kids, story reading, yard work, taking Lyla to a babysitter while I work, getting on Facebook, laundry, cleaning the house, organizing clothes..  I could go on and on…

I am seriously concerned about my own guilt problems.  I may need to seek counseling in order resolve my problems.  

I am tired of guilt.